a poem, an afterthought, and wayyy too many selfies
Written July 30th, 2021
I've been searching for something.
I didn’t know what it was, but there was this feeling of a void.
I lost it a little bit when I learned what society wanted a girl to be. I wanted to be "good."
I lost it a little bit when I was hit with the confusion of puberty.
I lost it a little bit as I lost soccer.
I lost it more when what remained would explode out of me in a storm of college recklessness.
Then I’d put it out with water buckets of shame.
It went cold when the unspeakable happened to me.
It stayed cold in the next abusive relationship.
When I left that situation, it was because I felt something in the void,
something willing willing willing to grow.
For two years I looked outward for whatever could fill that dark space in me.
I knew I was looking for it when I traveled alone to Europe.
I knew I was looking for it every time I went out by myself.
I knew I was looking for it when I came here to the mountains.
I thought the void was created by pressure in my relationships or career.
Now I know it was something so much more vital.
I was a wild child.
Then I tamed myself.
I blamed my wild nature for the bad things that happened to me.
I've kept the fire that burns in me small and controlled.
Now I know the void cannot be filled.
It can only be consumed by letting loose the fire in my soul.
I am bold. I am a wild woman, and this wildfire in me wants to roar again.
I won’t tame it when it blinds people.
No, I won’t tame it to make them comfortable.
I will show all my colors without shame.
I am going to blaze my path in this world with the brilliant light that burns in me.
People will find shimmers of love in the glowing embers I leave behind.
I think Grace has been trying to tell me this since middle school. She told me to stop trying be likable. She saw when I began to contain my wildfire. And she’s always known how to make it burn brighter.
That’s what best friends are for.
Hannah does this for me.
Alexandra does this for me too.
Too many names to count, I am blessed.
I had been feeling less-than-adequate in a way that I couldn’t pinpoint.
Not because of them, but because I knew an essential part of me was missing.
I could feel those who know me take notice.
I felt a shame deep within me.
Now I see it was because I was holding back my spark.
I was silly for letting myself be convinced that I was better off contained and controlled.
Everyone I need in my life loves me with my flames.
This realization felt like a wall was torn down inside me, and I finally got to see an old, abandoned friend - who I call my wild side!
We have been on a long journey to reconnect.
I felt inspired to take some photos to celebrate the reunion!